Miss Peach

There are a few things that have plagued me of late. These are issues I have, and I turn to you for advice, reasoning, and possible rationales. Because these are the things that keep me up at night. And I really haven’t been sleeping all too well recently.

Question Number One: Could Meg Ryan get ANY more collagen in those lips of hers? When I saw her on Oprah a few months ago, I couldn’t get over her lips. Really, Meg? You look like Goldie Hawn in that movie that I cannot remember the name of when she forces her plastic surgeon to give her more collagen, and then walks around looking like a clown. Meg, I know you’re probably surrounded by yes people. I know no one will say it to you. So I will do the deed, and take one for the team.

Your lips are too big. It hurts me to look at them! I mean, all I can think of is how tight they must feel and how you must be a teensy-weensie bit afraid to smile too big because, seriously, what if they pop? Ouch. I’m serious. I don’t think I can look at any more pictures of you. I have such a visceral reaction that I wind up wanting to toss my cookies. In fact, I’m having trouble getting my coffee down now just thinking about this cover.

Question Number Two, for all the New York City Tourists in Town Now or Ever: Why do you ask me for directions when I have earphones in and am clearly not able to hear you? There are plenty of people around without the Sign of Not Wanting to Be Bothered hanging from their ears (the white iPod earphones, for those wondering). I know you’re a little lost, but please, when we’re crossing Broadway and I am lugging a bag, listening to my iPod, and The Red Hand is flashing, don’t wave, yell, and then GRAB MY SHOULDER to ask where the nearest pharmacy is. Please, please, PLEASE just finish safely crossing the street and ask someone on the sidewalk. The cabs are revving their engines, and I don’t want to die because I’m being polite to a stranger.

Question Number Three: For the love of Jesus, Mary, AND Joseph, why is it that we still have instructions for voicemail? If I were to sit down and somehow tally up the moments I lose listening to “At the sound of the tone, please leave a voice message. When you have finished recording, you may hang up or press one for more options,” how much of my time would have been wasted? Firstly, we all have got the hang of it now. There is no need for the stern phone company lady to tell me what to do after a beep. Secondly, what other options might I have? They aren’t answering. Either they’re a) otherwise occupied and really can’t talk right now; b) without their phone; c) ignoring me and could but actually don’t want to talk to me right now; or d) in a movie (or the like) and their phone is turned off. What else are you going to do for me? Please, enlighten me. What other options can you offer?

Corollary Question to Number Three: What is the “to leave a callback number” option, and why would one use it? I mean, y’all, if you want to leave a callback number, wouldn’t you just leave it on the voicemail? I’m sure there’s some really useful, makes life easier, and super simple application for this, but I have never used it, nor has anyone ever used it on me. Though technically I would have no idea what it was, so I guess someone could have and I just wouldn’t know it.

Which begs for Question Number Four: Why are there instructions for voicemail, but not for the "to leave a callback" option that in some way explains what on earth that function is?

Seriously, they should really just put me in charge. It would make so much more sense. To me, at least.